Karma

 I used to say that I don't believe in karma because it cannot be possible. Of course things happen because that's how the world works. It goes round and round then coming back to you when it's finally your time.

I was having a conversation with my sister last night and thinking "of course she's old enough to understand these kind of things now." By the way, she's nineteen.

We started talking about songs then it shifted as I mention that I'm currently not interested in a relationship. She asked me what happen and I decided to elaborate.

Saying that I find it hard to understand myself when it comes to feelings because I know for a fact that mine doesn't worked like anyone elses. (at least from an INTJ personality perspective)

I told her I finally, actually, liked a guy so much it scares me. It was like an error in my system. A code that doesn't belong in the algorithm. Because for me, I think before I act especially when it comes to expressing my emotion. 

I told her that I felt like somehow it only one sided because in both of my conversation with the guy, it seems like it has no base. I believed he didn't mean it when he gave a hint. I guess it hurt my pride. I was the one to confess first (like every other times I did, this is the 4th) and I hated myself for it. 

She told me that if it's one sided then let go. There's no point in waiting because he's obviously not interested. I told her I wanted to let go, I did choose to do so. Somehow, there's some part of me still holding on to the potential. The potential.

I like the way he thinks. I like his perspective of things. I know he is intelligent. He is confident and knows what he wants in a woman. He has a sense of humour but not the same as mine because I think I'm sarcastic than he is. He's independent; sure of himself.

Yet of course, these are what I think he is because honestly, I don't know a thing about anybody except the exterior. 

Thinking about this makes me miserable because I don't know what to make out of it. Then she said something that hits me straight to my face.

she said

"Maybe you should reflect back to what you've done before"

"What do you mean? What did I do before?"

"The one you did in your past relationship? that he gave his fully effort to you and you didn't gave as much as he does. He loves you and you probably have only a tiny bit feelings towards him. Remember?"

"What are you talking about? I've never been in that situation"

Then she glares at me and sighs. Crossed her arms on her chest.

"You told me he's gay now"

Than it hit me. Of course. It was fifteen years ago in high school, the only boyfriend I had and I broken up with. I ended it because he was too affectionate and I got uncomfortable.

I went completely silent. Speechless.

she said "Maybe you should put yourself in his shoes now. What do you do if you are him?"

I never thought about that. I didn't remember that ever happened. I was cruel. 

I always told myself that I never have any regret in my life. Obviously I'm lying. Stupid. If I could turn back time, I won't break his heart the way I did back then. I never hated myself more now.

So I guess karma is indeed real because I am always... always... end up in his position. This side of the love story.

And to put myself in his shoes. 

I found out, as times goes by, he did well in his life. I haven't heard from him other than his facebook page. He went after what he's passionate about and I'm glad. 

There was once, a few years ago, that he suddenly chat me on messenger saying he was sorry about what happened in the past. The way he react to the break up was stupid, he said. I told him yea it was. we were so young so we do stupid things. And we both laughed about it. And that's it. I think he was just giving himself some closure.

Apparently not me. I haven't forgiven myself for that day. Now it's hunting me. My sister reminded me of it.

"Put yourself in his shoes. What would you do?"

How did I end up on this side of the story? And it took me 15 years to realize it. But I cannot rely on fifteen years can I?

So I guess I should just moved on and do my own thing. Ignore the fact that there was someone I'm interested in and pretend nothing happened? 

I can only hope for what lies in the future.