Sugarcoated001: Are we in the crowd?

I remember one time back in high school, during my senior year, my art teacher do this session of introduction with us in class. He started calling us to the front of the class one by one and started predicting our "face". He said he can tell what kind of  career suits us.

From a police officers to teachers to lawyer and many other. When it came to me, he went silent and think for a moment. Then he said, "I'm not sure about you. Your face are hard to predict." I hate to admit it, but it has effect me. 

Until today, I'm still wondering what he meant by it. Was my poker face so blank that he really can't read it? Or was it so different that I don't fit into a typical group of people? Or worst, don't I actually look like someone who might have a future?

I treated that moment as something that might define me as a person. I care too much about fitting in, to belong, to be something to someone.

Currently, I realized, none of those things matter anymore because the more I try to reach it, the further it got. 

We are not meant to be part of the crowd and that's okay. Being different was not meant to be isolated, it truly means you are one of a kind and it's truly a blessing to be you. Not many can do that.

Now, with a career of my own. There's not much different to high school either. There's a mold you must get into in order to fit in the society. Except that this time, it's ten times worst.

By the age of twenty-five to thirty, you are expected to have your own house and a car. (This one is necessary since this is one of the way for you to get to work). 

Then, here's the good part. You need to get married, have kids and a family of your own. 

At this day and age, you need to have a partner in order to be complete. That way, your life would actually worthwhile and "purposefull". It's the actual success story for mediocrity. People see relationship as a milestone now, as if it has nothing to do with emotion and empathy.

Once you're married, you are finally complete. "You're one of us" kinda thing. Even if the relationship is obviously falling apart. Not all, of course, but some does.

Being single means you have no value in the society and that you don't belong in the "crowd". You're a waste of space. You're unreliable. Hopeless. Not important.

The thing is, if anyone even realized it, the number of single people in this world (at least in my country) are so many. Which to me, is kind of ironic. 

There are time where I do feel left out. Whenever they talk about their children or anything happen in their household, I usually just stay quiet. I cannot relate. My days are usually just me minding my own business. I found peace in that but somehow I couldn't help but think about what they say. 

Not just that, there were also times where they were basically talking about some topic which I do know. Like shoes or outfit or tv shows like the new Kdrama or food.

I try to tell my side but I couldn't help but feel like they weren't listening. As if it wasn't as important. So I give up trying and just stay quiet most of the conversation. 

That was how little I felt back then.

Now, I decided, I don't want to do that anymore. I don't feel the need to join the crowd. I accepted myself as a one singular person that I am. I decided not to go with the flow and go against it. Not in a rebellious way but in a way that it didn't undervalue myself.

Slowly, I'm backing myself away. Not out of bitterness but because I realized it is tiring trying to be someone you're not just so you can please other people. Be someone's expectation but end up feeling empty inside. 

Imagine you are walking in a crowd and there's people pushing you on each side, when you could just take another path where it leads to the same destination. Wouldn't it be nice? Since you're a "waste of space", why not make some especially for yourself where no one needs to be bother by it.

Be your own. You'll be fine.