Sugarcoated 006: Render Me Your Foe

The very first reason I decided to do this "Sugarcoated" project was because the title itself. Sugarcoated means you try to sweetened the bitter taste of something. I'm actually being ironic. Not that anything I say is somewhat close to wisdom but these are my words. They came from me and I'm not hiding a single thought behind.

When I think back about it, I don't really surrounded myself with my peers of my own age back since childhood and teenage days as much as I should. My circle of friends are really, really small. 

At first, I just thought people just didn't like me or think I am weird (which maybe I am and still is, not denying it). Now that I have time to really think about it as I got older, I just realized that I have always been picky with people I socialized with.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate anyone or that I'm a self-conceited wretch but as an introvert, I have always struggled to connect with people. Even my classroom teacher said that she's glad that I managed to find good people to be friends with (I would like to take this moment to say how much I appreciate them in my life). Otherwise, I might be influenced by the "wrong crowd".

In my opinion, their (teachers back then) judgement of a good character was highly unrealistic and totally biased. 

Also not all the "good" students end up with a good career too; even the geniuses. Like me (just kidding). I mean, some of them maybe preferably choose a low profile kind of background and maybe there's other factors too. Who are we to judge?

Exactly. Who are we to JUDGE?

I used to do that typical "people pleaser" cliche too. Thinking that might keep me "safe" from being hated or even labelled difficult. 

Then, reality hits.

Believe me when I say, there is no amount of people pleasing that you could think of which will EVER kept your name from being ruined. Especially if you have a bad temper and a bit cynical like me, it could be even hard for you to get by. 

People don't like a serious character. They like a chill and easy going person who they can bend the rules a bit without thinking of the consequences until much later (then throw someone under the bus if there's the weakest available).

I am, genuinely if you ever know me personally, is a very quiet person. I don't talk unless I feel the need to do so. People do not know this but I am very good at pretending or blending in. Reading people and act necessarily according to their need. Especially when it is needed in order to get a job done.

Although the job that I have now is completely against the nature but I'm not complaining. I like my job. Even when I do have to deal with the hardest part of it, I actually like meeting random strangers (on good days I might talk to them and listen to their banters). 

By the end of the day, I am just completely inside my head. I'm a thinker. I love introspecting everything. Mostly about arts, the news, the world and ideas.

Little did I know, my silence had become something or some kind of an act of rebellion. Yes. You read that right. My silence or quietness was thought of as anger. They thought, I was angry about something and choose to ignore them because there's something I am not happy with in them. My serious none smiling face also was because I don't like them but genuinely I was just numb.

I thought, "Why can't I just be? Why do I even have the need to smile or be cheerful for you? Can't I just be miserable for me? Why do I even need to entertained you for whatever reason you think is necessary? Why do you reflect your insecurities on me? Honestly, if you even need to know. I don't care about your business or your life, it's not mine to decide. Not trying to sound narcissistic because I really am not.

Then came to a part about giving perspective. I just knew that "freedom of speech" does not apply to you if they don't like you. When you tell your opinion of things or even try to seek justice for your sake, you'll be labelled as difficult. They even paint you the villain for speaking against them. 

All you ever wanted out of that conversation was maybe a solution for the problem but the truth is, through their perspective (especially if they think you are beneath them), it doesn't matter if what you said was right, you are wrong. 

Honestly, this broke my heart so many times because I thought, what did I do to deserve this? Was I really at the wrong? Then it goes on to self-hatred too. You will start to have doubts about yourself and all your confidence are all gone. You questions your worth. That was how hard it has effect me.

Throughout my observation, I also noticed that people tend to victimized themselves when they can't win an argument or whenever they feel threaten by your existence (not necessarily my experience but what I've been seeing). I find this one hillarious though. I saw how hard they try to make a point sometimes but end up exposing themselves in the end. If I were me in the past, I might retaliate and argue on the fact. But now, I see no point to it. 

There's even some moments when your words are twisted and you'll be misunderstood. The way they see only the things they want to see. There's nothing wrong with having ones own opinion but maybe we could at least keep an open mind towards things. That would help the both of us actually. 

Not to mention with the taking things a little too personally. Have people die of sense of humour? It was meant as a joke or was it a little too sarcastic for them? I think maybe it was. My bad. I have terrible timing with an inappropriate joke but it's too late too fix it anyways. I'll just stir clear of it from unfamiliar people.

"Why so serious?" - Joker

Also, spare some of the negative talks too. Why is it even crossed your mind to even spread it around like a contagious disease? You know it'll only breed hatred so why can't you at least keep it to yourself? Does the hero really need to turn the society against the villain? Oh wait, that's the purpose by the way. Silly me.

"People only love the version they don't have to fix" - Franz Kafka

By this, you already know the side they decide to pick. It doesn't need a genius to figure it out. They'll choose the side to a person who they believe reflect their own. Someone they can relate to and who could humour them with the same sentiment. They don't like your deep thinking, they want an instant balm to their own pain. So they turn a blind eye to you and choose to treat the stray dog whom eventually will bite them back some time in the future. 

Wow that's harsh Claud. Yep it is. This is reality honey. At least, from the perspective of the antagonist by the way.

“Maybe I’m not so good as I seem to you. I’ve a bad heart; I will have my own way,” - Fyodor Dostoevsky 

So, now I am your foe. The villain of your story. I'll go against your dense visionary. I got ignorant of your ideas of a "team". I do not want to be a player of a game I am not interested in. I won't be part of your circle of silver-tongue, two-faced and endless hypocritical mockery.

I used to want to play the hero but boy does playing the villain is more freeing. I may be blunt but now I know that's my true nature. But won't you rather have a friend who would correct you or do you prefer the ones that lie to you with sweet nothing? 

Having a villain in a story is necessary in order to relive it. What a dull life it would be if there isn't. Without a villain, the hero won't have a purpose now would they?

Humour me, no don't humour me. Hate me if you must because darling, life is too short to be something that you are not. So don't waste your time with all those pretentious endeavour.