Sugarcoated 004: Yours truly, Eldest Daughter.

I used to think that before we were born, we had a conversation with God about us coming into the world. Knowing me, I have a feeling this idiot (me) might have said that she was up for the challenge of becoming the first born. And God, our beloved Heavenly Father, with His incredibly unpredictable sense of humour actually allows it. Then poof! Here comes Claudia.

If I could argue, I would've said "Why would You ever let me be born into the world? Why me?" And to be fair, it's still remain a question to this day.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my siblings (they meant the world to me). Though I do resent my mother for having me. May I remind her again that I DO NOT choose to be your daughter. So I'm sorry to disappoint to you whenever you seems like you felt like so. 

My point is, I do believe that I have done my fair share of eldest sister-ing the bunch and I have done a pretty good job (sort of). Yet I must confess, it is rather tiring. There are times where I wish I have someone older than me to depend on. 

No, parents aren't the same. The feeling of being taken care of by an adult is not the same as being taken care of by a teenager or should I say a mini adult. 

Throughout my childhood days, I remember being there for not only my younger sibling but also for my juniors at school. I was one of those kid where if you get bullied, I'm the one standing in front of you against the bully (think Officer Hop for example). 

Yet there wouldn't be such a character if she wasn't the first to experience being bullied now was it? Yes I've been there, done that.

Independence. I was so use to being on my own in solving things since I don't really had an eldest sibling. My parent used to let me be on my own. When I did get hurt, they told me to suck it up and don't cry. So that was when I was taught not to express my feelings, or else I would be labelled difficult. However, that is not where the hyper-dependence comes from. The hyper-dependence comes the hard way.

Betrayal. Disappointment. You name it. But this would be a different story I would tell on my next entry.

"Sharing is caring". We heard this word plenty of times when we were little. But unlike any other, we heard it first the moment our sibling came after us. If it's five years gap, then you are six years old and you're already given up that favourite toy. Or that sweet "whole" ice-cream. Or that pretty shiny bicycle that should have been yours first. 

You have to give up what's yours at that very early age. I remember it used to hurt but now, it's the very first spark of humility. To believe that nothing in this world are truly yours. Sometimes, bliss taste sweeter when spared. 

How about love, you say?

Well in my case, I usually think before I feel. I always thought that feelings are weaknesses. In my case, I don't really understand it. During those early days, when my friend has crushes and admirer, I thought I should do the same. I like who they like. Talk who they talk about. At times, when I think back about it, I actually over do it. That was the only regret I have. But do I regret feeling love, no I do not. I admit it and it is what it is. 

For the sake of my family, I do believe that I choose to be there for them always. If I am being honest, there was never a sleepless night where I don't think about my brothers and sister. I was worried about their future over my own. There was even a night that I cried for them and because of them. Though I would never want them to go through what I had.

Now, in my early 30's, I couldn't help but wonder what it felt like to be taken care of that much. But I guess we never know. 

They say that God choose the toughest soldier to fight the hardest battle. This phrase have been said a little too many times that I actually resent it. I am no soldier. I kind of wish He knows that. A poet maybe, but never a soldier.