Sugercoated 009: Performative Independence
PERFORMATIVE; performs an action by the very fact of being spoken. In modern terms, it describes an actions or statements done primarily to look GOOD.
There! There it is! A statement.
I found people were talking about performative productivity. Performative reading. Performative this. Performative that. Seems like to me it means people are pretending to do something for the looks of it. So were they all doing it just for the aesthetics? probably. We can't tell the difference.
But what about performative independence? is that a thing?
At this age, I can't help but think about the milestone I had reached. All the accomplishment that i have achieved. (There are not many though, I don't want to sound like I do) Am I where I want to be? For sure I am not where I need to be but that is another argument I had with myself. Right now, we're going to talk about this one.
For years I have thought, I got this. I don't need someone to be by my side to go through all this hassle of a life. I can carry this on my own, I am indeed strong enough to handle just another inconvenience. I don't need a significant other to fill the void of loneliness, I have my cat for that. I don't think I want someone to be in my life just because I couldn't bear it alone.
My idea of independence (for a single person) is I can take care of things on my own without depending on anyone else.
To me a relationship supposed to be for love. Marriages are for love and nothing less. If I am to get married, I have to love the person I marry just as he loves me in return. That's the bar I set for myself. I want that or nothing at all. So in my conclusion, I choose to be single for the rest of my life. Even when I said that out loud, I felt the truth in it. I actually mean it.
So when I log into my social media, I can't help but think, am I being performative? In my mind, of course not. If I'm "performing" my independence, who am I performing for? Was the social media meant to be a stage? If it is, am I having a stage fright?
Funny right. Yet I cannot help but that was what happening to the world around me. All those self-help books, those TED Talks, those Podcast about being independent. Was it necessary to emphasised it online? It annoys me especially when they use this to promote a product. You know, the kind of post where they were talking about their experience in "singleness and hyper-independence" and then ended their caption with "...if you like this post, then my page is for you. Comment "fire" and I'll DM you the details..." and so on. The next thing you know, they were selling you something in exchange of their "attentiveness".
Where's the authenticity for that? I thought I was listening to someone or reading something from someone who understood me. I'm not saying everyone who post something they genuinely love like reading was actually being performative. It all lies in their motivation. By the end of the day, some of these intention were to make or inspired others. To make people like me feel less alone in this genre of living.
So this is what I have to say to those who are going through the same thing as I am. You do not have to prove to anyone that you are doing fine because you are. Believe it. You are not missing out on anything when you don't have what others do. My English teacher use to tell me in class, Life is a Marathon. Everybody are at their own pace whenever they reach the finishing line.
No one is out there to get you or chase you about, for doing things on your own. You do not, indeed, need another affirmation video from a stranger. I knew they meant well, just like what I'm doing right now, ironically. But if you end up here, meaning you need to read this.
Just in case you had a stage fright, I just want to say. Being by yourself, on your own terms and your own pace is completely fine. You do not need to feel like you are performing it. If you do feel like you had to be performative in your independence, then take the centre stage with full confidence and thrive.
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