I'm not Okay, and that's Okay
I have been in denial the whole time about how I felt. The more I tried to push it away, the more miserable I felt. I tried several ways by distracting myself with things I could control like drawing, painting, listening to music, going out with friends, watching my favourite shows (thanks to Netflix) and many more. Unfortunately, the feelings never subside. Instead, I felt more emptier than before.
I end up crying in the night questioning why do I feel like this? It’s not like I have something to complaint about. I have a job now, a permanent one, the one that I for sure have been praying for. I have good friends and work colleague that I get along with. Had no problem with anyone. My family is healthy and fine. What really went wrong? I don’t understand.
I noticed I didn’t eat well. It’s either I ate too much or too little. Then, I noticed I’m losing my taste senses too. Not COVID-19, I’m not sick. Just numb. I’m feeling lazy going out of bed too. My body ache all over, even when I’m not doing anything or moving a lot.
I wrote down my thoughts in my journal hoping everything will turn out fine but the next day, I felt dreadful. The fact that I have to high function and hangout with friends in my miserable state made it worst.
So today I shut myself out and stay in my room for the whole day and decided to be left with my thoughts alone. I can’t deal with anything or anyone today not because they irritated me but I really need to be alone with my thoughts now.
As the rain pouring down outside and I’m closing my curtain and it’s pretty dark a bit. Turned my speaker loud and turn on my favourite songs out loud till it drown the sounds in my head.
For a second there, I actually felt better. With a cup of coffee and this laptop in front of me, writing all this gibberish I doubt would impress anyone. Screw anyone. I’m all better now.
What I’m trying to say here is, it’s okay to feel miserable sometimes. That part of your emotion deserves to be felt too.
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